"Yer startin yer life fir real the day son."
      "Aye, Mah."
      She wis lookin doon at me an smilin.
      "Now wave tae yer Granny."
      Ma Granny wis wavin fi the windie, so wis ma wee sister, but ma wee brother didnae ken what wis goin oan, an Ah could see him greetin fir Mah. Ah liked ma Granny. She used tae come doon oan the bus an take me back tae her flat fir the day tae gie Mah a wee break cos she hud her hands full wi ma wee brother an sister. Granda wid come hame fir his dinner an the three i us wid sit there an they wid ask me stuff, an there wis aye puddin. Efter dinner Granda wid get oot the moothie an play a few tunes, make me laugh.
      "Almost there."
      "Mah, what are thae big gates fir?"
      "Och dinnae be daft, they're jist fir show."
      Ah wis startin tae huv second thoughts aboot this school thing. Didnae like the looks i thae big irin gates. As soon as the bell went they'd probably shut the gates an that wid be ye. Ma Mah could tell Ah wis startin tae shite it, an she held ontae me tight in case Ah tried tae make a run fir it.
      "Onywye yer goin tae like the school. Ah'm sure i it," she said. Bit how did she ken if Ah'd like it or no. She said that Ah wid like marzipan an Ah didnae. Ah'd jist is soon huv a bath as eat that shite again. Ah didnae say nowt though, cos Ah didnae want tae get a clout roon the ear. Ah wis sure the big yins were goanni kick the crap oot i me at playtime so Ah didnae need a heid start. Jist keep ma mooth shut an play the wee hard man. Best plan.
      In we went an sat doon oan one i the seats ootside the heidmaister's room. There wis loads i other bairns there wi their mahs awready. One cadger wis there wi an old wifie that hud tae be his Granny. Mibbee no, but she wis awfie old. Wee Stevie fi up by the roonaboot wis there wi his mah tae. Ah dinnae ken why he wis kent as Wee Stevie. It's no as if there wis a Big Stevie oan the street. Mind, he wis awfie wee fir his age. Aw the other bairns waitin there wir bigger than him. Even his mah wis a wee woman. Aye well, Ah suppose that's it, Ah thought; he's Wee Stevie cos he's awfie wee. Ah'd only been at school five minutes an Ah'd learnt somethin awready.
      It wis aboot then that George Cruickshank started tae greet. Mibbee he'd heard somethin the rest i us hudnae. He did huv a big sister that went tae the school. Ah wis jist startin tae feel better aboot the place when he hud tae start. Ma Mah bent doon an whispered in ma ear an said: "Dinnae ye worry, some bairns greet fir nae good reason … if he wis mine Ah'd gie him somethin tae greet aboot," noddin her heid the whole time she wis tellin me, jist like one i thae wee dogs ye'd see oan the back windie i cars. That didnae make me feel ony better an Ah think she kent it. Then she pointed tae a picture oan the wa.
      "That's Mr Sanderson, the headmaster. He has a masters degree from Edinburgh University. A very good man, I hear," she said in her best accent so's ivryone could hear her.
      Mibbee he wis an mibbee he wisnae, but could he stoat a ba oan his heid fir twenty minutes like ma old man? Ah dooted it by the looks i him.
      George Cruickshank shut up again. Jist as well cos it wis startin tae get oan ma nerves. That's what ma dad said when we were too noisy: "Yer startin tae get oan ma nerves!"
      The bell went at nine oan the dot, an as Ah sat there Ah could hear the older ones scufflin intae their classes. Right then a wifie comes oot i the heidmaister's oaffice an says: "Sylvia Anderson please," like she wis orderin a scone at Crawford's. A wee red-haired lassie wi mair freckles than Ah'd iver seen oan one pan jumps up wi her mah an walks intae the oaffice. Ma Mah says they must be dain it by alphabetical order cos we wir certainly there before thame. That wid be awfie, Ah thought, tae huv yer name at the beginnin i the alphabet, aye first tae be takin, no kennin what wis up. They wirnae in but a couple i minutes an oot they come again. Walked right past us, an doon the hall. "Stuart Chalmers," says the wifie, an in went Stewie wi his mah. This went oan fir a while an Ah wis fair startin tae get bored. Ma Mah telt me tae stoap fidgetin, an sit nice like the other bairns. But Ah wisnae fidgetin cos Ah wis bored. It wis the chair Ah wis oan. It wis awfie hard, an Ah wis thinkin how Ah'd like tae be settin oan the couch at hame watchin the telly.
      Efter they called oot Fiona McLeod ma Mah pulled oot a hanky fi her handbag. Aw naw, Ah thought, cos Ah kent what wis comin next. Right enough she spits intae the hanky and gies ma face a wee wipe, like Ah wis a cat or somethin. Ah really think it hud jist goat tae be a habit wi her. She didnae really ken that she wis dain it like. It's no as if Ah wis clarty cos Ah'd hud a bath oan Saturday. So much fir the hard man act, Ah thought. Ah mean lets face it, ye cannae play the hard man when yer Mah wis dain that.
      Sure enough it wis oor turn next.
      "Good morning Mr Sanderson," said ma Mah, ivry one i her teeth showin.
      "Good morning Mrs McPherson," said this wee, baldy, fat man, wi these awfie big eyebrows, like some joker hud glued oan a couple i wire brushes jist fir a laugh.
      "Welcome to primary school, James."
      "Mr Sanderson's talking to you," said ma Mah as she smacked me oan the back i ma heid.
      "Aw aye, hullo," wis aw Ah could manage. Ah felt a bit stewpit, it's jist that naebdy iver called me James, jist Jimmy. Besides Ah couldnae stoap starin at thae eyebrows. Ah mean it seemed a bit daft tae huv aw that hair there an none oan toap i his heid. Onywye he jist wanted tae ken if Ah hud hud aw ma jags, which Ah hud. It would be a long time before Ah forgot that day. It wisnae that Ah minded gettin the jag, cos it wisnae bad really, but efter, this wifie makes us take doon ma troosers an cops a feel i ma baws. Wee Stevie fi up by the roonaboot says she did the same tae him. Didnae ken what that wis aboot though an we wirnae askin neither. Ah wis wonderin if Mr Sanderson wis goanni ask us if the nurse copped a feel i ma baws, but he didnae. Jist seemed tae want tae ken if Ah hud ma jags. Jist as well wi ma Mah there an aw. Mibbee he wid ask me later.
      Ma Mah walked me doon tae ma class. When we goat tae the door she telt me tae be good an no tae make ony trouble.
      "I'll see ye at dinner time. Mind and come right hame an ye kin watch Bill an Ben oan the telly before ye go back fir the efternoon."
      "Aye awright," Ah said an in Ah went. Ah kent Ah hud the right classroom cos Ah could hear George Cruickshank greetin fir his mah.
      "You must be James. I'm Miss Winterbottom," said this lanky woman. Well, Ah couldnae help it. Ah jist laughed right oot. The rest i the class wir pritty quiet though.
      "I might as well tell you now, James, just as I've told the others, I will not countenance any ridicule of the good name I was born to."
      Ah wisnae exactly sure what she meant, but Ah goat the general idea.
      "I trust this matter has been put to rest, but if it has not, you will be sent down to discuss it with the headmaster."
      Oh aye, what's he goanni dae? Scratch me tae death wi his eyebrows, Ah wis thinkin, but no sayin, cos like Ah says, Ah goat the general idea where she stood. Ah went an sat doon at ma seat which wisnae too bad cos it wis near the back an no too near George Cruickshank.
      The other bairns eventually aw came in one by one an took their seats. Billy Strachan fair hud a good laugh at the teacher's name, an he goat the same tellin oaf that Ah'd goat. He wis still snickerin when he sat doon next tae me, which impressed me nae end. Nane i the lassies seemed tae find the teacher's name aw that funny though, which made me wonder what wis wrong wi thame. Still Ah wis awfie glad that this Billy Strachan goat sat doon next tae me, cos Ah mean tae keep oan snickerin efter he'd bein telt tae shut it wis a good sign.
      "Now children. We're going to have a story, and I want you to listen closely because there will be questions after," said Miss Winterbottom. Billy Strachan leaned over an said: "Ye hear that, we're gawn tae get telt a story fi Miss Cauld Erse."
      We both hud a good laugh, but as soon as Ah looked up there she wis stahnin right in front i ma desk.
      "These boys seem to think that school is very amusing, class. Do you think school is very amusing young man? Hmm."
      "No … no really miss," Ah said.
      "What about you Mr Strachan?"
      "No miss, Ah don't," said Billy wi a big smile oan his face. Ah turned away fi him cos Ah thought Ah wid burst oot laughin again an that wouldnae be good.
      "Well, there'll be no more need for any more unfortunate outbursts, thank you very much."
      At that she did a perfect half turn an went back tae her desk at the front. Ah wis thinkin how sometimes things didnae turn oot like ye hud imagined. Ah mean Ah thought the school wis goanni be hard, but Ah didnae think the hardest part wid be tae keep masel fi laughin. Billy kept elboin me tae get ma attention, but Ah wouldnae look at him cos Ah kent Ah wid burst oot again. So Ah jist listened as hard as Ah could tae the story, but every now an then Ah'd catch ma mind wanderin back tae Billy sayin Miss Cauld Erse an Ah'd feel masel wantin tae laugh again in spite i masel.
      She telt us a story aboot this lassie that sent a letter tae another lassie in Canada. Efter, she asked us questions tae see if we'd been listenin. Ye hud tae put up yer hand if ye kent the answer. The questions were easy but, an most i the class pit up their hand tae try an answer. Ah wis pittin up ma hand, but she wouldnae ask us tae answer. Then she asked what wis the name i the girl's dug, but Ah couldnae remember so Ah didnae pit ma hand up fir that one. Well, disnae she decide tae ask me what wis the dug's name.
      "Ah didnae huv ma hand up Miss," Ah said. Ah didnae ken why she didnae ask the lassie two desks up fi me. Ah mean she musta hud her hand up fir ivry question.
      "Perhaps you should pay more attention in future Mr McPherson."
      Ah nivir pit ma hand up fir ony mair questions.
      The lassie two desks in front i me didnae gie up though, an efter a while she jist kept her hand up the whole time, but the teacher didnae ask her once. Ah thought aboot tellin her tae pit her hand doon an then the teacher would ask her. Efter a while she started tae wave her hand, but the teacher still wouldnae ask her nowt, cos she probably thought she wis bein a smartarse by keepin her hand up. Naebdy likes a smartarse, that's what ma Dad always said. But then we aw found oot why her hand wis up wavin aboot, cos right then her hand quickly went doon an she slumped doon at her desk. Ah thought she'd jist gied up, but then Ah heard that sound like ye hud a leak in yer bike. Sure enough there wis soon a big puddle under her desk cos she'd pished hersel.
      Billy gied me the elbow again an he wis laughin his erse oaf, but Ah didnae laugh cos the lassie hud started tae greet an Ah wis feelin sorry fir her. Besides, the puddle hud started tae flow ma wye an Ah hud tae get oot i there. What a wye tae start school Ah wis thinkin. Ah mean if ye wir tae live tae be a hunderd ye'd nivir live that doon.
      Right then the bell rang fir playtime which wis lucky cos Ah wis in real danger i floatin in pish.
      "Don't worry my dear," said the teacher tae the lassie who wis still bawlin an she pit her airm aroon her. Ah hud thought the teacher wid huv yelled at her, but she didnae. It wis goanni take a wee while tae sus what wis what wi this Miss Cauld Erse. Mibbee it wis some deal the lassies hud wi her where they promised no tae laugh at her name an then it wid be awright if they pished their pants in class. Ah'd huftae wait an see. If a boy wir tae pish his pants then Ah'd huv a better idea. George Cruickshank wis liable tae pish himsel, but mibbee no cos efter aw his greetin there couldnae be much left in him tae pish oot.
      Most i ma class jist hung aboot ootside the door at playtime. Billy Strachan seemed awfie interested in chasin the lassies so's he could lift up their skirts, but they wir huvin nane i it an Helen Hamilton smacked him one in the mooth. Billy wis dain his best tae laugh it oaf, but Ah could tell he'd felt that awright. Helen wis awfie big fir her age an she wis bigger than ony the laddies in the class.
      Chasin lassies didnae appeal tae me. What Ah really wanted wis tae play a wee bit fitba. There wir some older boys playin a game oan the gress so Ah went over an jist hung aboot at the side. Efter a while Ah goat ma bottle up.
      "Ony chance i a game?"
      "Go git shagged ye wee bugger," said this big yin. Ah didnae ken what it meant, but Ah did ken Ah wouldnae be playin fitba this playtime or any time soon. Ah wandered back over tae the door an Billy wis still tryin tae annoy the lassies, but he wis keepin his distance fi Helen Hamilton. That wis fir sure.
      Ah met up wi Billy when the bell rang and he asked us if Ah'd been playin fitba. Ah jist said that Ah didnae feel like it the day.
      Miss Cauld Erse telt us we wir supposed tae line up in single file when the bell rang and wait at the door fir her tae let us in. Efter we goat back intae class the teacher said that we wir goin tae get oor milk. Right enough, someone hud delivered a crate i wee milk bottles and they wir sittin right next tae the teacher's desk.
      "You will come row by row and take one, repeat one bottle, and one, repeat, one straw back to your desk, and you will drink your milk quietly and without spilling it."
      Now Ah must say that Ah've nivir really hud much taste fir milk. No that Ah'm really a fussy bairn when it comes tae food. Marzipan, honey, and porridge Ah cannae eat, cos they taste like shite. Milk Ah kin take or leave it taste-wise. Ah mean, Ah kin drink it without wantin tae boke, unlike marzipan an honey. Porridge Ah could eat at a push, fir money like, or if Ah wis starvin. The trouble wi milk though is it hurts yer belly an gies ye the shites somethin terrible. So as far as Ah'm concerned there's nae point in drinkin it if its goanni dae that tae ye.
      Everybody went up fir their milk so Ah jist went up an goat mine anaw. Ah pealed the wee foil cap oaf the toap an stuck ma straw in slowly an watched it sink through the yelli cream intae the rest i the milk. Ah took a quick look roon the class an aw the other bairns seemed tae be drinkin theirs. Billy Strachan hud awready finished his an wis flickin the dregs fi his straw at the lassie that hud pished hersel before playtime.
      Ah took a wee sip an goat nuthin but cream, an Ah huftae say it felt like a seagull hud jist shat in ma mooth. Ah decided tae pit ma hand up tae see if it wis a school rule that ye hud tae drink aw yer milk or no.
      "Yes, James, what is it?"
      "Miss Ah dinnae really like milk so dae Ah huftae drink it or can Ah leave it?"
      Ah couldnae bring masel tae callin her by her name cos Ah wis likely tae laugh again an she'd be sure tae make me drink it aw. She looked at me kinda funny, like she wis an owl strainin tae see fi the toap i a tree, an said: "Of course you have to drink it all … it's very good for you."
      "But miss," Ah said, "it gies me the shh… a sair belly."
      "Don't be silly boy; drink it up. There are children in Africa starving who would be glad of a little sip of that milk."
      Ah kent Ah wis done fir now cos ma Mah aye said that when Ah wouldnae eat ma porridge. Ah mean, what could ye say tae that. One time Ah telt ma Mah that they starvin bairns in Africa were welcome tae eat aw ma porridge, but that didnae go over too well an she belted me one right there at the table. It wisnae sae bad though cos she knocked me right intae ma gless i milk an sent it flyin so's at least Ah didnae huftae drink it that day. Ah wished someone hud knocked over this bottle i milk fir me, but that wisnae likely tae happen. So Ah jist sipped it through the straw, but Ah left aboot an inch in the bottom i the bottle an pit it back in the crate. Ah really jist wanted tae see if Miss Cauld Erse would make me drink it aw or if Ah could get away wi leavin some. Sure enough she nivir said nowt, so Ah thought Ah could leave mair the morn, an a wee bit mair the next day, till eventually Ah wouldnae be drinkin hardly any.
      Mind you, the whole milk thing wis a good skive, cos the teacher didnae make ye dae ony work while ye wir drinkin. Besides, someone wis sure tae knock over their milk an slow things doon. Sure enough; big Helen Hamilton sent her's fir a burton aw doon the side i her desk and ontae the flair. Miss Cauld Erse wisnae too pleased anaw. Clearly, makin a mess wi yer milk wis much worse in her book than pishin oan the flair wis. That seemed strange tae me cos if Ah hud tae clean it up Ah wid much prefer tae clean up milk than pish. Onywye, Billy wis fair pleased that it wis Helen that hud done it an he said tae me: "The big clumsy galoot, serves her right." Ah think he wis still smartin fi the belt she'd gied him at playtime. Tae her credit Helen nivir started tae greet, or nuthin like that. Ah think she wis used tae dain that kind i thing and bein telt she wis clumsy. Helen kindae dottered aboot as if she wis tryin tae help clean up the mess, but she wis jist gettin in the wye i the teacher, who wis gettin a bit impatient wi her.
      When Miss Cauld Erse finally goat situated at the front, she telt us tae pull oot oor jotters fi the drawer, cos we wir goanni practise oor writin. As she went tae the big blackboard at the front Ah could feel that milk hit ma belly. It wis like someone hud pit a cat in there an telt it tae find its own wye oot. Ah looked at the clock oan the wa an Ah wisnae sure what time it wis but it wis naewhere near twelve a'clock. It wis goanni be a struggle tae hud ontae this milk till the bell fir dinner.
      The teacher drew the letter "a" oan the board, an turns tae us an tells us tae copy it doon in oor jotters ten times. Ah awready kent how tae read, but Ah hudnae really done any writin. Ah wis hopin we would be dain some readin, but Ah hudnae thought that we would huftae start writin letters oan oor first day. Ah took ma new yelli HB pencil an copied the "a" that wis oan the blackboard as best Ah could, but jist as Ah wis finishin up wi the tail Ah goat a right pain in ma belly an it made me make the tail way too long. Miss Cauld Erse, who'd by this time managed tae sneak up tae me an wis stahnin right next tae ma desk, leaned over an said: "That's a good attempt, James, but try and finish better next time."
      "Miss," Ah said "could Ah go tae the toilet?" but Ah wisnae too hopeful.
      "Come now, James, you had ample time to go at playtime. Try and wait until the dinner bell."
      "Aye, right, Miss."
      She moved oan tae inspect Billy's efforts.
      "Try and keep within the lines, Billy."
      Billy nivir said nowt. Ah'm no sure if it wis cos he wis mad he wisnae very good, or mibbee cos he wis gaspin fir air. Ah'd let one i ma specialty milk farts go an it wis fair mingin. Miss Cauld Erse wisnae sae daft, cos she hud cleared the area an wis workin her wye tae the front in a big hurry.
      "Did you let oaf?" says Billy.
      "Aye, SBD … silent but deadly," Ah said wi a chuckle, cos Ah wis quite proud i it, despite puttin ma mate's life in danger. At least it hud released some pressure fi within. But Ah kent fi past experience it wouldnae hud me fir long.
      "Now class, on the next line I want you to copy down the letter "b" ten times. Be sure and keep in the lines."
      Miss Cauld Erse wis certainly a neat printer, Ah hud tae gie her that, an Ah wis keen tae get the hang i this printin. Trouble wis that milk hud turned intae shite an wis lookin fir a new hame. Ah wid huv loved tae let go another SBD, even if it meant riskin Billy's life, no tae mention that poor lassie behind me. But that wisnae oan. It wis jist too risky.
      Plan B. Ah wrapped ma airms tight aroon ma belly an pit ma heid doon oan ma desk. This usually could be counted oan tae buy some time. As Ah rocked forward Ah took a keek at the clock oan the wa an it wis still naewhere near dinner time. Ah thought tae masel again how school wisnae hard like Ah thought it wis goanni be, but it wis hard in other wyes. Tryin no tae laugh, or tryin tae keep fi shitin yersel. Ma mind wis wanderin. That wis a luxury Ah couldnae afford. Ah hud tae concentrate oan keepin this shite in till dinner. Jist then the pain goat worse. The shite wis bangin at the door an it wisnae takin, NO, fir an answer. Ah managed tae pit up ma hand but Ah couldnae bring masel tae liftin ma heid.
      "Yeees Mr McPherson, what is it now?"
      "Please Miss Ah really need tae go tae the toilet; Ah cannae wait."
      "Aye, let him go. He's killin us wi his fartin," piped in Billy.
      Quiet enough so's only Ah could hear.
      "Alright go on, but don't make a habit of it," said Miss Cauld Erse.
      Did she mean dinnae make a habit i shitin, or jist goin tae the bogs at school time, Ah wondered.
      Now came the hard part; actually gettin masel tae the bogs. Trouble wis as soon as the teacher hud said, "Go on," it wis as if she hud been talkin directly tae ma erse, and as bad as the urge tae shite hud been it goat even worse when she said that. As Ah goat up fi ma seat, still unwillin tae risk the full upright position, Ah hud tae clear somethin up wi ma erse muscle, an that wis that it could take orders fi me an only me! Ma erse muscle seemed unconvinced as Ah slunk away tae the door, still huddin ma belly wi both airms.
      "That's enough theatrics, James. Just hurry along. I think we have a budding Stanley Baxter on our hands, class."
      Finally Ah wis oot the door. Jist a wee bit further tae the glorious bogs. As Ah goat in Ah saw the cubicle, which wis a better sight than the ice-cream van oan a Friday night. Ma erse musta seen it anaw, an bypassin earlier instructions hud started evacuation orders. In the door, troosers an keks doon aw in one motion an Ah heard a heavy splashin before ma cheeks felt the cauld i the seat. Scorin the winnin goal against England at Hampden couldnae be as good a feelin as this. Ah jist sat there an enjoyed the moment. Efter a few minutes Ah sussed it wis safe tae get up, but jist as Ah did the shites wir back. It wis jist like last year's Guy Fawkes night when we aw thought that Roman candle wis aw done, and didnae it shoot oot a pinky-red blast i fire. Best sit tight awhile, Ah thought. Make sure Ah get it aw oot, cos Miss Cauld Erse wouldnae be too keen tae let us oot again before dinner time.
      Back at the door i the class Ah didnae ken if Ah should knock oan the door or no, so Ah jist walked in, makin sure no tae make too much noise, an Ah made it back tae ma seat as quick as Ah could. It wis nice tae sit doon, an the sun wis beamin in the windie, makin it nice an warm.

As the teams line-up for the kick-off, in a surprise move Jimmy McPherson has been selected to play in the striker position. And as they get underway it's the youngster, McPherson looking to make an early impression. He's running straight at the heart of this formidable Celtic defence. He's past Billy McNeil, Kennedy misses with a desperate slide tackle, only the keeper to beat. He lets go a thundering drive past the outstretched hands of Ronnie Simpson into the back of the net! What a goal! A sensational start for Hearts, and for this young man from Edinburgh, being congratulated by his team-mates, waving to the fans in this cavernous stadium, and Hearts have served notice that the Scottish Cup might well be heading back to the capital.

"Yes or no, James?"
      "Eh … Ah mean, pardon, Miss."
      There she wis starin doon at me wi thae owl eyes again.
      "Did you hear the question?"
      "Yes, Miss."
      "Then what is the answer: YES or NO?"
      Jist then Billy whispered: "Yes."
      "Yes, Miss," Ah said wi confidence.
      Then the whole class burst oot laughin.
      "So you think that pink elephants fly off the Scott Monument every hour, on the hour?"
      Ah said nowt. Ah didnae ken if Ah wis mair mad at Cauld Erse or Billy, who Ah thought wis ma mate.
      "Perhaps in future you will pay attention in class, when in fact you do grace us with your presence."
      Ah wisnae sayin nowt.  

 

About Neil Alexander Marr

Neil Alexander Marr was born in Edinburgh, Scotland and lived there until the age of fourteen. Since 1974 he has lived in Southern Ontario, Canada. After a career in the business world, he is now employed as a high school English teacher. Neil is married and has two teenage daughters. Magpies and Sunsets is his first novel.